Bullying within an 'inclusive fandom' is a painful reality

It's time for me to be vulnerable for a moment.

Back in 2020, I was very much alone during the lockdowns imposed upon the world by the COVID-19 pandemic. I was so used to being able to go places and enjoy outside and enjoy people, but then suddenly I was trapped inside. Needing very much to connect with people, I began browsing online groups, specifically Star Trek groups, as I loved Star Trek and had attended conventions prior to lockdown that really had helped me to enjoy it even more.

I somehow came across this online fan group that centered around this popular Star Trek figure. There were weekly meetings in which members of this group could speak to the central figure and enjoy their company and those who wanted to speak to them could express their interest by signing up on a list. I wasn't sure how that worked, so I decided to see how things worked before asking for that. I came into the group around the time that one of the members, who was a good friend to the central figure, was sharing this play he had put together and had the central figure and other actors perform. I was so enthralled by the play that I offered to help write continuances, but I accidentally caused offense and discomfort by doing that. I later apologized to both the administrator of the group and the author of the play, explaining about my disabilities and my special interest in writing.

Both seemingly accepted my apology and the author even encouraged me to write my own work and build upon my special interest. I did this with the hope that I too could get something read and performed in the group, as it seemed to me like others within the group were being allowed to submit materials for consideration. I wrote a lot of scripts and I also worked hard to try and 'fit in' to the group by joining the Discord channel associated with the group. I tried to contribute meaningfully to conversation where I felt it appropriate and just tried to be everyone's friend whether or not I fully understood their lives or their struggles. I even shared some personal things in chats and privately to struggling members with care in hopes of being the healing balm that they needed. Sadly, my attempts to be active and kind were seen as 'too much' and I was told and treated as if I were 'dangerous.' The Discord also started complaining to the group administrator about me and saying unkind, untrue things about me and it became a regular occurence for me to get nastygrams from the administrator about how I needed to be better, etc. and telling me the ways I was messing up without really telling me how I could manage things better. The admin also kept affirming that I would not be allowed to go on the list to talk to the central figure until 'my behavior improved' without giving me any indication about how to improve my behavior.

Without any direction about how to be better, I simply tried to be better by being less involved and less present, but still attending main meetings and being kind and saying a quick "hello" to the the central figure of the group whenever I'd come in and leave the meetings. I was under the impression that I was doing well because the nastygrams stopped for a while. But I didn't feel like myself - I didn't feel good after making myself so small to please others and make them more comfortable. So I quietly returned to my kind self in hopes that people had calmed down. I was even invited to join a gaming group run by a friend of the central figure. I remained being the kind individual who was happy to be included, but sadly, my kindness was interpreted as flirting and the head of the gaming group, along with others in the group, complained and I was quietly excluded from future gatherings.

The one bright spot is that on August 25, 2020, I had finally 'earned the right' to have a Zoom conversation with the central figure according to the administrator. I was so eager and delighted for the opportunity that I made notes by which to govern my conversation and then when I finally got in there, I got very nervous. I spoke about my disabilities and the response I got was a little cold and the comment "So that means you take everything literally." I was so caught off guard by that, but I tried to keep the conversation as pleasant as possible.

I spoke about where I was from and what I did with a great passion. I shared about how I was a freelance journalist and how I worked very hard over the past several years to create the most ethically correct stories possible. The central figure seemed impressed and asked why I was only in freelancing since I appeared to have such passion and talent. I was scared to death of telling the truth, so I lied and said it was due to a lack of connections, and was immensely relieved when the actor changed the topic to something else. We ended up also talking about other things that I can't really remember, but we did discuss my favorite things, including how I liked the Muppets and I also offered to share some of my written work with the central figure, which they accepted. I cannot remember too many details about that day and I'm sad about that. Most of the recorded conversations the central figure has with his club are available online so people can look back and enjoy them, but my portion of time where I talked to the central figure was later erased from their history as if I was never part of the group at all...and I will explain that.

I thought the chat had gone well and I was looking forward to chatting again, but then I really learned the dark side of fandom. I learned that the people in the Discord actually said a lot of inappropriate things about the central figure and got highly angry at anyone who disagreed with their narrative.

Despite my unpopularity, I still had a lot of respect for the central figure and the messages of unity and positivity they were trying to share. I ended up attending this meeting in a private virtual space where they and another discussed trauma and I was able to share a bit of mine and my work to recover during open conversation. I shared about surviving violence that came about because I was born different. It was then that I learned that the central figure had a great ability to listen thoughtfully and I saw nothing but compassion in their entire facial expression as I shared my past.

The other person involved also made a point of gently, but firmly telling me that I needed to grant unto myself forgiveness and self-compassion while showing the same compassion in her expression. They said that what I’ve endured was completely beyond my control and not my fault. The central figure also spoke to the group at large, saying, "Be yourself and be okay with being yourself. Be kind and compassionate and respectful to yourself," and also talked about establishing boundaries and learning to not care about how people react to differences. I was heartwarmed by that conversation and thought I could go on enduring what I was currently enduring...until I found people in the group's Discord laughing over what I had said in that private conversation and I had no idea how they had gleaned the information, as the central figure didn't do social media and I had not told anyone what was said. I unfairly blamed the admin, which I later apologized for, and never did truly get an answer as to who violated my privacy.

And I also learned how much I was not part of the group because there were calls from the admin to members to share photos and other things with the central figure and I tried to participate, but I was ignored and scolded for trying to even being a support. And then came more messages from the administrator saying that it would be best if I 'reduced my role' in the group gatherings to that of an observer and that the central figure had been told and agreed that I was 'too much.' I was even advised to skip meetings and 'seek a therapist.' I also had my past struggles thrown in my face, things that I had confided in the administrator in hopes of gaining a little patience and grace in the current situation.

And the Discord group also decided to ban me from their space even though I had actively worked to be less in light of their discomfort and lack of feedback as to how I could be better.

I decided to simply minimize myself, hoping it would fix the growing tension between the group and I. I had thought I was doing better and the admin had even asked me to find things online to help her family members. I truly thought things were getting better. I was trying to just be present and quiet. But then came Halloween and mention of a virtual costume parade and I thought I could share a costume and they would be forgiving due to it being Halloween and it being such a unique situation due to COVID. It was clear that everyone was uncomfortable with me even being there and trying to even enjoy space and the holiday with the rest of them. I had debated leaving, but I was so lonely and unsure of where to find friends that I stupidly told myself that bad/minimal company was better than no company at all. I was so anxious to fix the situation that I even joined an emotional resilience group via Zoom (broadcast out of Australia) that met from 1:30/2 to 4 a.m. my time once a week. I originally joined to see what I could do to fix things and then focused on fixing me when it became clear that I was now seen as a monster and garbage by the group and nothing could fix that.

And then on November 14, 2020, I was sent a final, rather damning email from the group administrator that said, "You are no longer welcome in meetings nor will you be allowed to participate in other club activities. This decision is final. I wish all these months of providing guidance and opportunities to change your behavior had a more positive outcome. Unfortunately, despite repeated assurances that you understood what needed to change and would do so, it's clear that neither is true. Loss of trust is a difficult obstacle to overcome and I haven't seen any true effort on your part to restore our trust that you will honor the boundaries outlined for our community. I sincerely regret that this decision will cause you sorrow. I hope you get to a place where you can look back over the past few months honestly and objectively and identify what went wrong so you can avoid what I know is a painful pattern of being asked to leave communities."

I was heartbroken and spent that day and many days after that crying and having post-traumatic reactions every time the designated time for the weekly gathering would come up. I didn't really recieve feedback about how to restore trust or improve behavior. I had only been told that I had screwed up and made to live with it. And then I worked to heal by finishing my emotional resilience group, I also wrote several articles vaguely referencing some of my experiences in the group as I shared about how challenging it really is to live with disabilities in a world who has no patience or desire to adapt. And then I spent months and years engaging in various therapy groups in hopes of making sense of what had happened. I even spent six months in a state where I struggled to feel emotions. And I tried to get support by talking to others privately, 'friends' I had made in the group and in a subsequent group I had joined, about what had happened because they claimed to care about me and how I was feeling. They claimed they wanted to help. These 'friends' added me to chat groups that were designated 'Survivors' groups for people who were 'surviving' the traumatic behaviors the administrator was allegedly inflicting on others. They prodded me into opening up and then proceeded to use the chats to bash the administrator and say awful things about the group. I was made to feel comfortable, but all the questions I asked and the things that I confided in these people, however, were taken straight back to the group and used as gossip fodder among them and others in similar social groups. It was twisted to make it seem like I was the one stirring up the trouble when I had just been caught up in it. I made screenshots of everything in case anyone ever cared to hear my side, which wasn't likely, and I eventually distanced myself from those people because I wasn't looking to hate, I was looking to heal. I even attempted to reach out to the administrator several times to try and gain some closure, but eventually came to realize that some things don't get closure and stopped. I used to read the letters from the administrator sometimes to try and make sense of her vitriol, but I don't do that anymore. I still keep them, though, in a place where nobody can see them but me.

I eventually stepped away from all Star Trek-related virtual social groups a few years later after it became very apparent that I was not really cared about by them. They just wanted my vulnerability so they could gossip about it and make me seem like a truly awful person. I did try to start my own with other Trekkies, but it was destroyed by those same Trekkies, who took great delight in demonizing me and my disabilities and treating me as if I wasn't worthy of life. I had created the space because I wasn't welcome elsewhere and I was bullied over my work and many people I thought I could trust told a lot of lies about me and my character to the point where my credibility in the fandom and my group was absolutely destroyed. I've had to live with it and their lack of accountability. They took advantage of my disability-related struggles and my kindness and desire to include everyone and ripped me to shreds over it.

Unfortunately, members of that first group I came to have also since decided they have the right to infiltrate pieces of my life and make me feel like I am not worthy to have any space in Star Trek fandom. They made anonymous, guest, or secret accounts on a popular fanfiction site I use to write creatively and spewed vitrolous comments across my fanfiction, including calling me a 'bully' and asking me "why are you still here?" and have even made it their business to comment on posts I make on my personal Facebook page. They act as if they have the right to invade my personal space and make me feel like I am unworthy to have that space or the opinions that I do. I really don't understand why that group and its members are continually fixated on trying to disrupt and harm the quiet, peaceful life I have built for myself since we parted ways. I have tried my best to ignore them and keep going in hopes that they will get bored and leave me be.

Unfortunately, they seem very fixated on 'watching over me' and invading my personal space even though it has been approximately six years since we parted company under bad terms.

If they want to talk to me about the situation and the harm they caused me and why they did what they did, they should approach me like adults and maybe, I will be willing to talk to them. They don't need to act like obsessed lunatics, 'keep track' of my online activity, and then jump in whenever they feel it is convenient to remind me that they are still there and that I should never forget the people who made me feel like I was less than nothing and unworthy to exist just because they were uncomfortable with how I am.

I just felt the need to be vulnerable about this because it has been following me for six years and I am a very different person than I was then, but I am still haunted by people who refuse to let go of who I was and their belief that they still have a right to me and my life. I have done a ton of counseling and learned how to set boundaries and actually make a life that I am working to enjoy despite ongoing struggles. Those people, however, are acting as if they have a right to be a part of my life continually just like I was once a part of their community before they monsterized me and threw me out like trash. They never had a right. I only tried to be their friend and be part of their community. I tried to connect with them in the name of friendship, but they severed that potential for connection and friendship with how they behaved towards me. I don't need them to keep trying to sever my soul while they try to wreck my present over their obsession with the past. If they want to talk, they can talk, but with the understanding that I am an adult worthy of respect and kindness and so I say this: Talk to me like an adult or move on from obsessing over how to destroy me